using other poems as templates

I wrote here about this poem by Marie Howe and gave my attempt at emulating the moves Marie makes in her poem.

Arisa and I discussed the poem in tutorial and she came up with a few changes to help.  But after looking at what I came up with I realized there was something wrong, that I wasn't getting much of what I enjoyed about Marie's poem into this work.  I decided to blow up the poem and take some of the pieces to make a new one I hope would be more successful.   To do that I decided to try and mirror Marie's poem in terms of the moves she was making so I tried to de-construct After the Movie.  This looked something like this.

Start by providing the setting and introducing the two characters
Provide an argument for the two characters that seems surprising (Marie's was you can love someone but murder them)
Then go back and forth on this argument in an interesting way
Further situate the discussion in the real world
At some point the speaker uses an old argument with someone and then goes internal
In the internal space uses quotes from famous people from a variety of fields around the argument
Come back to the real world
Have a surprising response to the other person's question that goes somewhere very different
Close with images and thoughts that seem to say something about the relationship of the characters

My initial piece had some of this but was missing much of the finer moves that take place. At a high level I had an argument but it wasn't as surprising and took a while to develop, I also a situation and some quotes. But not nearly the internal stuff or the surprising mis-interpretation of the question.  I threw out much of the dialogue that I had written and focused on the movement like Marie's.  I'm not saying mine is as interesting, I wish it was but it is closer than my first attempt.  I decided to shift gears for the ending, using the quotes idea but having various speakers say them to move the poem to termination.

I'm workshopping the result of this work today. I am also hoping I have moved far enough from the original structure that I have created my won work